1. The quietest, most unassuming individuals are always the most dangerous.
2. Poison does funny things to people's heads.
3. Ex-convicts tend to be paranoid.
4. London's full of half-crazed beggar women. But isn't it a great place?
5. Razors are a barber's best friend.
6. Never, ever let it be known that you have a pretty young wife; you will invariably regret it.
7. Judges are greedy, corrupt, devious, twisted, and in all ways pretty evil.
8. The teenage foster daughter always feels cooped up (doubt it? See Les Miserables).
9. She always has a reeeally high voice, too.
10. Sellers of meat pies will do anything to give business a lift.
11. High society people are incredibly callous and cruel.
12. It's all about the catchy jingle. Combine this with a harrowing personal story, and your product is as good as sold. . .
13. . . . unless you skip the perfume. Never skip the perfume.
14. Hair restoratives are frequently frauds.
15. Boastful barbers are generally second-rate at best.
16. "Civilisation" is pretty much a crock.
17. Love at first sight is alive and well and living in London.
18. The only reason your ward would ever have for refusing to marry you is that you skipped your morning shave.
19. Relationship moving too fast? Ha! No such thing.
20. It's not "Italian"; it's "Eye-talian."
21. The fact that many men get a shave at your shop and never return will arouse no suspicions.
22. We all deserve to die.
23. Seuss-esque verse sounds much less absurd in a Sondheim musical.
24. Patience, like anything else, should be practised only in moderation.
25. The concept of cannibalism can be really funny if approached in the right manner.
26. People taste pretty good.
27. Exercise careful quality control, because it's the little things like the smell of burning hair that'll trip you up.
28. Half the fun is in making the plan.
29. Always listen to the half-crazed beggar woman; she invariably speaks a cryptic form of the truth.
30. Revenge leads to more revenge.
31. Poison is not necessarily fatal.
32. When someone is already frightened and suspicious, the sight of a severed finger can be enough to send him off the deep end.
33. Please, please, try to avoid killing your family inadvertently.
34. A driving obsession with vengeance will inevitably lead to terrible tragedy and horrific bloodshed.
35. And the romantic leads are still among the few survivors!

May '01

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