All right, brief synopsis here. This is a re-write of the last chapter of a horrid little mystery we had to read in French class our freshman year (yes, that means my friends and I actually submitted a French version of this to our teacher). The original story: M. and Mme Rousseau, a couple on vacation in Paris, witness a murder. M. Rousseau, an amateur detective, is determined to get to the bottom of it. With the help of a few ridiculous coincidences, he manages (in the last chapter) to track the crime to a rich couple's (M. and Mme Taillefer) chauffeur, and the chauffeur is caught. However, this story ends differently. The chauffeur has been caught by the police, after being knocked down by a car, and is being held for questioning when our story begins.

Be forewarned: this piece contains randomness, mass insanity, violence, and the very occasional profanity. If you like things to make sense, I suggest you go read something else, either by me or a visitor. Otherwise, I present (drum roll, please):

Mort à Paris: The Missing Chapters
As Written by Beth, Candice, and Lindsey

CHAPTER 10/Death by Mercedes

They go down to the lobby to question the chauffeur. Suddenly, the police all run out screaming into the street and are run down by the same black Mercedes that injured the chauffeur. However, this time there appears to be a scantily-clad young woman securely trussed to the car's hood ornament.

Girl: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

The car disappears around a corner. The chauffeur scrambles to his feet with a limp.

Chauffeur: I--

Before the chauffeur can finish this doubtlessly profound statement, the black Mercedes--with the screaming girl still attached to the hood ornament--tears backward around the corner and squashes the chauffeur like a large yellow insect.

Everyone: (in chorus) Ewwwwww. . .
Mme Taillefer: Oh la la! C'est disgusting! (she faints)
M. Taillefer: Oh my God! She's dead!
M. Rousseau: No, she's not, you idiot!
Mme Taillefer: (wakes up) No, I'm not. (she faints again)
M. Taillefer: (to M. Rousseau) How did you know?
M. Rousseau: Elementary, my dear Taillefer. She was still breathing.

Suddenly, Mme Rousseau screams and runs out into the middle of the street, waving her arms and running around in circles.

M. Rousseau: What the hell are you doing, dearest? You're making a scene.

Mme Taillefer, who is just waking up, screams and faints again.

M. Taillefer: Oh, no! She's died again! (to prostrate Mme Taillefer) Brigitte, would you stop that already?

Meanwhile, Mme Rousseau, who has just completed her fifth circuit of the center of the street, is struck down by the ubiquitous black Mercedes. The screaming girl is, amazingly enough, still attached.

Girl: Damn you, Bond! You'll pay for this!
M. Rousseau: (furiously, to M. Taillefer, as the girl and the car whoosh around the corner) It's your fault there's a black Mercedes in our midst and my wife is dead!
M. Taillefer: But my wife died three times!
M. Rousseau and Mme Taillefer: (in chorus) Your wife is still alive!
M. Taillefer: Then you're right! (guilt-stricken) I'm to blame! (bursts into tears)

Then M. Taillefer, still wailing, runs weeping copiously into the street, waving his arms and running in octagons.

M. Rousseau: Oh, dear.

Mme Taillefer screams and faints again.

M. Rousseau: So this is it. We're all going to die.

A disembodied head appears floating in midair. It appears to belong to Arthur Dent.

Arthur: Hey! That's my line! (disappears)
M. Rousseau: (blinks) That was. . . interesting.

The black Mercedes screeches back around the infamous corner. The girl's ties, oddly enough, do not seem to have weakened. She is still attached firmly to the hood ornament, cursing the driver, one James Bond, who does not seem to be in evidence. A gun comes out of the roof of the car and pumps M. Taillefer full of lead. An old man appears on the horizon, chasing the Mercedes at a dead run. He is toting a hand gun, and several more seem to be falling out of his pockets. He appears to be Sean Connery. A rather badly animated child with an orange sweater and no mouth follows closely behind. He appears to be Kenny from South Park. The missing driver, sensing danger, hits a button, causing noxious fumes to emanate from the sleek black car's exhaust tube. Connery dives out of the way, landing safely in Mme Taillefer's well-padded lap. Kenny, however, being neither as intelligent nor as fortunate as Connery, keels over, dead.

Mme Taillefer: Oh my God! They killed Kenny, the bastards!

The car screeches around a corner. Connery leaps from his cushioned landing area and pursues immediately. Mme Taillefer screams and dashes after him.

M. Rousseau: Ah, madam, I don't think you'd want to--

The Mercedes reappears. Mme Taillefer reaches it, strangely enough, and grabs hold of the fender. The car's velocity forces her to release her grip, and she is thrown into an oncoming car's windshield, dying on impact. M. Rousseau skids into the street, tap-dancing. The black Mercedes does not run him down, but rather, screeches to a halt. A cute, fuzzy, brown squirrel hops out and proceeds to throttle him.

Connery: (teeth clenched, of course) They're all dead. (unties the girl, who would seem to actually be no mere girl, but the Bond girl)
Girl: Who cares? Who was driving that thing?
Connery: (teeth still clenched) Think I know?

Suddenly an animated green lizard plummets from the roof, clutching the Bond Mercedes's remote control.

Girl: It's Liz!
Connery: Liz?
Girl: From the Magic School Bus!
Connery: Oh. . . (long pause) Is she dead?
Girl: (mysteriously) The world may never know.

Suddenly, Sean Connery and the Bond girl run out into the middle of the street. The girl appears to be clutching a brown paper bag and howling repeatedly, "The Kaiser will steal my string!" Connery, on the other hand, is staring profoundly into a rubix cube. Sadly, before the situation can be remedied, they are squashed by the Magic School Bus plummeting from the hotel roof.

CHAPTER 11/Armageddon

The coroner and some police officers are standing around the scene. One of the female officers is staring, heartbroken, at Connery's corpse, which has been recovered from beneath the bus. Inspector Viallet is among the officers.

Viallet: Oh, it's that amateur detective. Better that he's dead--he was making a real nuisance of himself.

The coroner, who has been studying the bodies intently, suddenly stands up.

Coroner: It is my professional opinion that these people all died of--

Tragically, before he can finish the sentence, he is struck by the same phenomenon as the corpses had been in the previous scene. He runs down the street, screaming, and tumbles into a deep pothole, splits his head open, and dies instantly. The police officers resolve that at the next election, they won't vote down the road repair bill. However, before they can get any further on this train of thought, they too run out into the street, running and screaming and jumping up and down. Viallet falls down an open manhole that hadn't been there a moment before. Splashes are heard for a few minutes, then all is silent, except for the screaming officers, who are now playing Duck, Duck, Goose. Suddenly, a whirring can be heard, or at least it could be, if the officers would just shut up for one moment. A cartoonish fellow in a gray trench coat and fedora, which happens to have a propeller protuding from it, seems to be the source of the noise. He appears to be Inspector Gadget. He helicopters over to the middle of the street where the officers are playing. He hovers for a moment, then crashes to the pavement in a mangled mess of metal, which then retracts into the fedora. He stumbles to his feet and staggers to the frolicking officers, watching them. During this time, he seems to come to a conclusion.

Gadget: I've found out what the problem is. You're suffering from a rare and extremely contagious disease that causes the victim to run screaming into the street. It is not fatal in and of itself, but the side effects are catastrophic. In order to stop it--

His eyes glaze over as he joins the officers in their play, which has escalated into a vicious game of Cops and Robbers. Gradually, Bruce Willis sprints onto the scene. He is either screaming or preparing to throw up. It must be assumed that he is indeed screaming, since, as he approaches, one can actually hear him above Inspector Gadget and the officers.

Willis: (screaming) I can't stop it! I can't-- (to the officers) Shut up, you idiots! I'm trying to deliver an urgent message here! (louder) I can't stop it! Look! (points to the sky) The asteroid is going to crush us all!

Were anyone to look up as directed, they would see not only a largish asteroid looming threateningly in the sky and plummeting at an alarming rate, but also a small gray kitten, also plummeting at an alarming rate. It lands squarely on Willis's head, rapidly assesses the situation, and lifts its head to speak.

Kitten: So this is it. We're going to die.

Arthur Dent's disembodied head appears again, looking slightly outraged.

Arthur: Hey! That's my line! (disappears)
Kitten: That was. . .--

At this point, the asteroid crushes them all. This causes the Earth to pop out of orbit, sending the moon careening off into Jupiter, while Earth proceeds to collide with the sun. All is silent for a moment. Then the sun goes "Bloop."

Finis

No animals were harmed during the production of this--. . . oh. Oops. Never mind.

January '99
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