1. If you need a loaf of bread, try getting a job.
2. If that fails, try begging.
3. If that fails, try stealing it, but don't get caught.
4. If you argue with your parole officer, he'll be on your back for the rest of your
life.
5. If, while on parole, you have the urge to steal silver, make sure to steal it from
a friendly bishop who will cover for you.
6. If you break parole, your parole officer will be after you for the rest of your
life.
7. There is only one person in the whole of France who can lift up a heavy cart.
8. If you beat up your parole officer, the repercussions will be very mild.
9. If you are trying to keep your illegitimate daughter a secret, don't leave proof of
her where anyone can get it.
10. Telling your parole officer your life's story is not a way to elicit sympathy.
11. If you can, get a job with good medical coverage and a daycare.
12. If you decide to expose your identity to defend an innocent man, you will
instantly appear in the courtroom.
13. If you are an ex-mayor turned social worker, make sure to bring plenty of money
when taking that little waif away from her unhappy home.
14. If you are young, beautiful, and strong-minded, but involved in gang activity,
chances are that cute guy won't like you as much as he likes that young, beautiful,
ditzy but well-behaved girl next door.
15. Love at first sight exists.
16. People in love are ditzes.
17. People in love can think of nothing else but their true love.
18. Denying your past will make it go away.
19. Denying your past won't make it go away.
20. Your parole officer will never get tired of trying to hunt you down.
21. Your parole officer has nothing better to do than try to hunt you down.
22. The only person who would possibly be skulking around your house in the middle of
the night is your parole officer.
23. Going overseas will solve all your problems.
24. If you want a spy, try to get one that will work for you, not the enemy.
25. To pray so that God will hear you, you must use a voice two octaves higher than
your normal voice.
26. If you are young and in love, you will survive a massacre that killed all but one
other person.
27. If you are the protagonist of the story, you will survive a massacre that killed
all but one other person.
28. If your archenemy's moral system appears to be superior, suicide is the only
solution.
29. A dying man can write out his entire life's story in a legible fashion.
30. All strong people die early, and only the ditzes live on.
Spring '99
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